Small Problems
March 31, 2008 — Amoeboid Blurry SmileA little while ago, thelazybuddhist wrote a post that matches quite well with stuff I’d been thinking about and which in turn played a larger part in my life than I’d like.
Here’s the problem. My cat died. That’s not a full description. I had my cat euthanized on my child’s tenth birthday. And it wasn’t just my cat. That cat was also the cat that cuddled with my kid every night. My kid loved that cat. A lot. So, last night what did my kid do? Went to bed as usual. Wanted to cuddle with the cat as usual. And as wasn’t the case up until reaching double digits in age, the cat wasn’t available. So, as has been the case for the last several weeks, my child cried the tears of a sad child. What does one say to this? Does one say, “Hey, that’s a little problem. Think about how your best friend is doing. Her Dad died a few months ago. Your sadness is nothing compared to hers.” Umm. No. That’s not going to help at all. Writing it down makes it obvious just how terrible it would be to say something like that. Saying it would have too. In fact, I didn’t think it while dealing with my kid. I thought of it in the process of inventing this post.
So, where does that leave me? I don’t really have real problem do I? Yeah. My cat is dead. But, I’m an adult and should be able to deal with that just fine right? OK. No. I’m pretty bummed about it. Still. And with my child, what’s the deal there? So I have a child who has feelings. That’s good right? Yes. It is. It still sucks though.
March 31, 2008 at 2:14 pm
Yes, it does suck. There’s not a whole lot we can do to protect our kids from the hurt that life doles out, whether it be the loss of a human or of a pet. It still hurts.
Just be there for him. That’s all a parent can do.
March 31, 2008 at 2:51 pm
That blows. There are no easy answers. Losing anything, or anyone that close to you, is hard to take, especially for a child.
March 31, 2008 at 3:17 pm
When I was 11, my cat Nikki died. Well, okay, technically she was the family’s cat, but actually she liked me best and would sleep on the end of my bed (this despite the fact that I had dressed her in doll’s clothes and pushed her round in my pram for hours when I was little). I still remember how sad I was when she died. It seemed so unfair.
But then, the fact that I loved that cat, made me determined to have pets myself when I grew up.
I’m still waiting to grow up, but in the meantime I have given loving homes to a variety of dogs, cats and rabbits (also a gerbil) who would otherwise have sat unloved in a rescue shelter.
Nikki would be pleased, I think.
I hope you and your kid soon feel better.
March 31, 2008 at 6:51 pm
Probably 18 years ago or so, we had to put our 13 year old dog to sleep. She was blind, couldn’t control anything anymore…and miserable. It was time. My husband took her to the vet, came home, sat down and sobbed. It is so out of character for my husband to do that, and we knew it was time. Now, we sit with a very healthy almost 13 year old beagle…and we worry, and we wait. I don’t know how I’ll survive it. My kids are grown, and I don’t know what they will do. As for your 10 year old, the best thing I would suggest is a new kitten.
March 31, 2008 at 8:36 pm
Aw, losing a pet is always hard. I am going to miss my kitty (she isnt really a kitty anymore) when she’s gone. I hope you guys feel better soon.
March 31, 2008 at 8:42 pm
((ABS)) I lost my friend of 14 years two years ago. Sometimes (like tonight) I’ll read about someone else losing their friend and shed a few tears, because I still miss him. I don’t know what makes them so special, but you’re not alone.
All you can do is make sure your kiddo knows he’s not alone either.
April 1, 2008 at 7:01 am
Perhaps your child’s sadness is reflective of your own. After all, he was your cat too.
I know you’re in pain now (both of you), and there is nothing anyone can say about it that will make it better, but knowing this about you makes me smile. You are both good people.
April 2, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Yes, being a parent is pretty dang hard sometimes, isn’t it?
April 3, 2008 at 9:24 pm
This post totally didn’t work. Oh well.
Thanks for the sympathy. What I was really trying to say was that these minor problems still feel like real problems and so they are real problems.
April 4, 2008 at 7:03 am
ABS, there’s no such thing as “a minor problem,” especially not to a child, which I think you know. A problem is as big as it is, and it hurts as much as it hurts. I think one of the hardest things about loving a child must bethe knowledge that the things that hurt them so much, are, in the big continuum, comparatively small, and that they’ll be hurt far worse as they grow older.
The practice hurts help them get ready for it, though, in a family that works properly, as yours does. But in any event, the death of a pet is never a minor thing. Maybe it is compared to the assassination of Kennedy, but in real terms, it’s a big thing.
April 5, 2008 at 11:50 pm
You’re one cool Dad… gib me a hug.
April 8, 2008 at 8:41 pm
The post did work. Maybe better than you realise since everyone reacted to this ‘minor problem’ as though it were (and it is) a ‘real problem’.
When you’re 3 years old, not getting your favourite Disney Princesses pink sparkle cup for your juice is a real problem.
When you’re the 36 year old parent of said 3 year old, its not a real problem.
Then, when you’re the 83 year old demented grandparent of the 36 year old harrassed parent of the 3 year old cup obsessive (you still with me?) then not getting your favourite cushion in your favourite chair in order to watch your favourite program on TV is a real problem.
I think losing a creature you love is a real problem at any age.
April 9, 2008 at 8:39 am
I think it worked perfectly, ABS. Everyone here realized this was a real problem, maybe not an economy sized problem, but a real one all the same.
April 17, 2008 at 6:21 pm
Oh ABS.
April 30, 2008 at 5:13 am
First, I am deeply sorry about your cat. I can’t imagine facing that day with Ash. I have a post elsewhere about her being my best friend, I think you have read it?
Second, what defines a real problem? Without consulting Mr Webster, I’d say it is something for which there are no easy answers. So yes, this would qualify. That said, I watched my 2 children lose all of their pocessions, and our family pet. The fire took the items, and the aftermath, our dog. The kids were 9 and 14, at the time. Five years have passed, and I know they still feel the loss, but the pain has indeed lessoned. Time, my friend - that is what will help. All you can do is hug them, hear them, and hold them in the mean time.
Hang in there.
April 30, 2008 at 5:17 am
Ehhh that should be possessions, I have no idea where that C came from. I’m goin to get more coffee, geeesh.
May 1, 2008 at 3:09 pm
Sorry to hear about the cat dude, its not something easy enough to deal with on its own terms, let alone having to see how it affects someone so young.
May 7, 2008 at 9:05 pm
I can’t think of a more real problem than either the loss of a pet or the inability to comfort someone you love. If you did try to “cheer her up” in some ham-handed way I can’t even picture, it wouldn’t really help, anyway — it would just displace her grief, and it would probably show up someplace less acceptable than home in bed. I remember crying all the way through a college math class the day after I had to put my dog to sleep; that would feel even worse for a kid.
(Please tell her I’m sorry about her/your cat.)